I Was Light And You Liked Your Life Dark, a poem by Drem

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This is NOT based on a particular person or event. However, it is influenced by a couple of people. And I’m sure if one of those people reads this they will be like OMG SHE WROTE THIS ABOUT ME. No, I didn’t. Dude, you weren’t the only one. AND I lied to you. I never fucking loved you. You just said it first and I felt bad. I’m Catholic and culturally Jewish and Italian and thus have MAJOR guilt issues coming at me from 3 different angles.

Also, I’m not hung up on this mysterious “Ronny” person (who isn’t his real name). I’ve moved on. In fact, I believe now that I never loved the other person who in the moment I thought I did love. I didn’t know what love was. I was too young. 18.

However, I still think about some people from time to time. I dream about them. And I dreamed about this “Ronny”. And I wanted to know that he was okay. Even after all he did, I wanted to see if he was okay.

[Scheduled Post. May not respond for awhile.]


I Was Light And You Liked Your Life Dark, a poem by Drem

August 5, 2016

“I saw you through my computer screen first.

We’d walk around aimlessly

in a virtual world

for hours at a time

where magic was real

and we could fly

on yellow, pink and purple dragons.

Then it went to texting.

And you’d sneak into the restroom at work

to ask me how I was feeling.

I felt very special

to think someone cared

I existed.

When I went through chemo

the first time

you were there,

I think.

It was a long time ago.

No, chemo came after you.

It’s hard to remember.

I do remember you were worried about my illness.

Really concerned.

You googled different doctors for me to go to.

And I remember you told me once

that I was beautiful.

That meant the world.

You were creative.

Musical- with your guitar

in your attic apartment

singing me songs

over Skype

at midnight.

You were a decade+ older than me.

And you were concerned about that

but I was smitten.

You looked young.

I saw past it.

You liked all my weird sci-fi shows

and loved my classic movie list.

We went to the same concerts

for lame bands

when we were kids

and talked shit about them.

How silly we used to look

in Tripp pants and green hair.

You with a mohawk.

Sharing embarrassing pictures.

Listening to grunge.

Jesus.

We’d talk for hours

till one or both of us fell asleep.

Because of you I had to change my phone plan.

And you’d FaceTime me when you were shitfaced.

And I don’t know why you did this,

when you didn’t want me.

 I went on a date

with that guy from DC-

the shitty Death Knight

who was a bad kisser

and had bad teeth.

I remember

you got all jealous.

You claimed you didn’t

but didn’t talk to me for a week.

Got mad when I said I blew him

and got mad when I said he successfully got me off

(several times),

which I really needed

(been awhile),

even though it was just an act,

even  though it was just something to do.

There was no emotional connection.

And fuck,  it’s my right! – dude we weren’t together.

You never made any moves.

I figured I was friend-zoned.

Before that date with that guy from DC-

I mean, I went all the way to Chicago

for a convention.

Chicago from fucking New York

for Stargate- a show we both loved-

and you didn’t show up.

I was there for three days.

It was a 45 minute drive from you.

45 minutes!

I even said I’d come to you.

Meet you at a diner. An iHop.

… I was looking forward to seeing you

more than Ben Browder

who played in Farscape AND SG1,

and we both know that means a lot.

It’s Ben Browder,

star of Farscape and SG1.

I wanted to see you more than Ben Browder.

To meet you as a friend for a few hours

in real life.

I would have willingly missed out on Ben Browder

for you.

But boy, you were fucked up,

straight up-

had some mood disorder

I can see clearly now.

Self medicating over something.

You did say you were depressed

all the time.

But there was more to it.

And I was 19 or twenty

or 21- or something.

You know, the age

us girls

are particularly ignorant during.

And all I wanted to do

was fall into your arms

and whisper, “sweet dreams”

to you every night…

pathetically.

While all you wanted to do

was roll into yourself

and pretend you liked me

because no one in real life

liked you.

You played more and more video games.

Drank till you went blind every night.

Barely made it to work on time.

That was your life.

And I don’t think you liked it,

but you had me.

And I had you.

And I thought you liked me.

You liked your life dark.

And I was your light.

And you didn’t like light,

or at least as much as I was willing to shine on you.

So you looked away

when I finally said

the four words

that I regret.

I said-

“I love you, Ronny.”

I did expect something.

Something.

Anything.

Something back.

I suppose you didn’t want to be that mean.

You already lead me on

for two years.

You were mean enough.

I think that’s the second time

I ever said that I loved someone

and actually meant it.

I mean,

I thought I meant it.

Looking back,

I didn’t know what love was

and what love is supposed to be.

In any case,

I’m the type of person who will say it back,

even over and over,

out of guilt-

though it’s a pattern of behavior

that I have recently stopped

because I don’t want to lie anymore…

lie like you did to me

over those two years

of endless flirting

and pointless jealousy.

I lied to the rest of them.

But not to you, Ronnie.

I told you the four words

after you cursed me out

over something I don’t remember.

You were vicious

and I was caught off-guard.

It was stupid.

You called me a cunt-

I got really upset by that.

I loved you, or thought I did,

anyway.

I said I loved you

after you didn’t show

up to Stargate.

I said I loved you

even though you were a loser

by any measure.

God, you hadn’t been laid in 4 years.

You didn’t live with your parents.

You had that going for you.

Anyway, I didn’t care.

I said it anyway.

I said it once to you.

Not just that I loved you, fuck.

It’s worse.

 I said I was in love with you.

Last I heard

from one of your friends,

now this was two or three years ago,

you quit gaming.

You quit drinking.

You wanted to get your life together.

I always wanted that for you

and was pushing you to do it-

for you to be the best man I knew you could be.

Maybe I saw something in you.

Maybe I wanted to see something in you

that didn’t exist.

Now I think you were simply a very lost and selfish asshole.

So, you know, you didn’t text me.

I think you blocked my number.

And after the four words,

with no response

I didn’t text back.

So blocking me was pointless.

And I deleted your number

from my phone

after a few days

because you broke my stupid, stupid heart.

Now years have gone by.

And I’m really fucking high.

I actually remembered your last name.

Found you on Facebook.

Sent you, or someone that looks like you,

and has your name,

a message

saying,

“Hey, this is [My Real Name].

I think you’re the Ronny I used to know

from blahblahblahplace.”

Now I realize that is stupid.

Really fucking stupid.

So fucking stupid.

And it won’t end well

for me.

Audience, Ronny wasn’t kind to me.

He used me.

He never cared for me,

genuinely.

He only cared for himself.

Granted depression does that to us,

but I was an innocent girl.

And two years was 22 months too long

to keep up that front.

…It’s too late now.

I sent the message.

And I will wait

 a day or two

till I’ll surely get upset again

that he didn’t write back

again.

 •

But hey, at least I know he’s alive.

Audience, he didn’t OD.

Maybe he went to rehab.

In his display picture he looks happy,

and he looks like he lost some weight.

He was always concerned about his weight.

Good for him.

I hope he’s found happiness.

I hope he made it to Alaska.

I hope he got married

and had 2.3 kids.

Bought a house.

Has a family.

A better job.

Plays basketball

on the weekends

with other dads

and takes trips to Disney World

with his wife and children.

… All the silly things

that crossed my mind-

silly things I thought he’d one day do with me.

Crossed my mind

during all those years

of him faking affection

and faking a connection

and faking dreams.”

(C) Drem 2016

 


6 thoughts on “I Was Light And You Liked Your Life Dark, a poem by Drem

  1. This made me cry. It’s terribly beautiful. I identified with so much. Just a remarkable examination of a complex relationship.
    I adore the way you’ve written it in a chaotic speaking before thinking, remembering as you type. The style adds to the heartbreak that what you remember is now jaded.
    Absolutely remarkable piece but if I’m honest I expect nothing less from someone with a voice and heart like yours!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. that’s not to say that i’m amazing. but, all things considered, i made off quite well with not wasting time. I’ve moved on with my life. made progress here and there. PROGRESS! +1 DREM xD

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ahahaha!!!! 😂 Brilliant 💙
        Tears of empathy and now laughter, I think I’m going to argue you are amazing.

        It does sound like you’re better off. In the long run your progress means more than trying to save someone that doesn’t want to be saved.
        I think this gets to me so much as I identify with the ronny figure, it scares me to see similarities and think I could fall that far. My only solace is I would have definitely met you, I want the light even if it scares me.
        It’s a marvellous piece full of so much pain, it shows how beautiful your soul is and how strong you are. Though it may be a composite of many admirers it stuns me a good man hasn’t found you.

        +3 for Drem, one for each of the comments that made me smile 😊

        Liked by 1 person

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