I’ve given up on Drem. It’s too much work and I’m not seeing enough of a result. I’ve put my books on indefinite hiatus.
I have my faithful readers who I have connected with beyond what I could have ever imagined. They have seen my work and have seen me through my work. Their encouragement and support have been crucial to my recovery from my past abuse. Also, the connections I’ve made with others going through similar circumstances made me feel a lot less alone. It’s still not enough for me to continue.
My anxiety has been so severe and nothing is working. I mean- like 2012 and 2013 level anxiety, back when I wasn’t leaving the house after Hurricane Sandy. I’m sleeping 20 hours a day because I don’t want to wake up. And I’m angry over my anxiety. And that anger only makes it worse. And it makes me cry a lot.
I may occasionally post something, or a post may be made because it was already scheduled to come out. That doesn’t mean I’m actually around any more.
You can reach me at my email- ArtOfDrem@Gmail.com
I was going to stay with my cousin in Europe. Due to my illness, it’s important for me to stay close to family in case of an emergency. But, it turns out that the free apartment is no longer available for longer than a week. So, I will not be visiting him there and am now looking elsewhere. Good thing I’ve learned not to depend on family for anything. Also, please note I don’t take what happened personally- incase someone comes across this who knows of the situation. Things happen. It’s not his fault. Perhaps I misunderstood the invitation in the first place. I would give more details on how it did upset me, but I don’t want anyone reading this and getting the wrong impression. I don’t blame the kid. He’s 20 years old. He’s one of my best friends. He’s a good kid. No hard feelings.
Now, back to the 1 week thing- If you’ve ever traveled you would know Jet Lag is a real thing, and flying in general makes any chronic pain you suffer from a lot worse. It usually makes my MS so much worse. I can’t walk for days. My anxiety disorder acts up. I need to up all my meds. It’s just painful.
Having a mere 7 days to recover from jet lag and MS and then being kicked out- it simply doesn’t make sense to put my fragile body and mind through that.
So, I’m looking at AirBNB options in Dublin. Then I’d spend a few days in Achille where I have distant family (family makes me feel safe incase of an emergency). I plan on being gone awhile.
Taking this trip, no matter how sick I am, I think will help in my emotional recovery. And by securing a long stay, I will be able to do things at my own pace. Maybe this trip will make everything worse. I don’t know. All I know is right now, even if I am going out and meeting people and living my life (… what I consider life which is probably not what you consider life) and curating (my irl job)- I feel like I’m not really living. I feel like I’m dying in this bed. I feel like I’m not progressing. I feel trapped. And I’m unhappy with my circumstances.
I want to go to live music nights in pubs. Get tattoos by local artists. Go to galleries. Events at museums. Poetry readings. I want to experience the underground art scene in a city I’ve never spent much time in. And I don’t want to take a damn fucking class at a university because I am beyond done with school. It took years of my life from me (I had to keep a high GPA to keep my scholarships. If I lost my scholarships I’d have to drop out. It was a ton of pressure, especially for someone battling depression and the unpredictability of multiple sclerosis).
So that’s it.
She hopes to get the fuck out of here. It may never come to fruition, but it’s something.
The Girl Behind Drem