I See His Face In Me, a poem by Drem

Rape victim
From Art Saves Lives Int. Magazine

I See His Face In Me, a poem by Drem

July 23, 2016

“It was July

and the air conditioner wasn’t working.

I wiped the sweat off my face.

And looked at you and cried.

They cut the power,

and you spilled the ice water on the floor.

But that wasn’t why.

No, it’s because- I always see you.

I always see you when I wake up.

During the day.

And when I sleep.

I see you.

In my dreams.

I cry. And cry. And cry.

Silly light switch.

Like a kid afraid of monsters.

You’re the monster.

And I know you’re not there.

I know you’re not here.

But I see you

in me.

I left you.

I got away from you.

I put my clothes on and ran from you.

But here you are now

in the middle of July, again,

on the hottest day of the year,

when the air-conditioner isn’t working.

Making a mess of things.

A mess of me.

I can’t find myself.

I’m lost in memories.

Trying to find my way through the foot notes.

It’s no use.

There’s no directions out from you.

That day when it happened,

when it all got bad

and I faced it and defied you,

is no different

than today.

I’m in a loop,

stuck in this loop,

that is rusting

and decaying

my grasp of reality away.

All I see is you

in everyone

and in every thing.

In every man

on TV

and in me

in the mirror.

I never realized how ugly you were until now.

And you made me even more ugly than I was before I met you.

I forgot who I was before, mostly.

I know I changed so much-

sometimes I even forget my own name.

Sometimes I forget yours too,

but I still remember what you did to me.

And that past is mine to keep.

Always.

That’s why I see you.

Always.

No drugs can wipe you away- I’ve tried.

No tissue can remove

my watercolor tears

that stain my porcelain cheeks- I’ve tried.

No matter how much ink I use

to try to cleanse my soul of you

you are in my thoughts persisting

twisting my sense of self

and preventing my progress in healing.

I tried all this therapy.

I tried all these prescription drugs.

 I tried all these spiritual cleanses.

I tried praying to God- sincerely.

There’s only one thing left.

And we both know what that is.

Truly one solution.

But I can’t say what that is

because that would be glorifying

some ugly truth in poetry.

I don’t want to make suicide

sound like something pretty.

I simply don’t see any other option

on most days like today.

I’m just so tired of fucking running

from my own damn mind.

My own damn thoughts.

My own damn past

that is mine, all mine to keep.

Always.

I have it in my pocket

and you are in my locket.

Weighing me down, drowning me in you.

Your face, a picture,

in every man I see.

And who I see

when I look in me.”

(C) Drem 2016

 


2 thoughts on “I See His Face In Me, a poem by Drem

  1. “…my watercolor tears…” as with every color of any those, just a reminder for you milady, a dark and light of life is as much a watercolor tint by any other. In short life is very fluid than any water. Enjoy

    Like

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