Body Dysmorphic Disorder &/or Depression- Questions Questions

You aren’t alone.

Just wanted you to know that today.

I am typically very, very low. Manically depressed with a stress on the depressed.

Every so often I come out of it. I look in the mirror.

The young woman (am I even young anymore? Wrong side of my 20s…) I see is not me. Or, is she me?

The woman I see in the mirror when I’m not depressed doesn’t have scars on her face. Her hair is okay and a nice color. Her face is thinner. Her nose doesn’t look crooked.

Am I seeing things that aren’t there when I am depressed? Or, am I in denial of my monster-like appearance when I’m not depressed?

I don’t know. I really don’t know which is me.

I went to my dermatologist (a famous NYC doctor) who does body contouring and fillers and everything. I go to see him because I have scleroderma, an autoimmune that affects the skin.

So there I am, on the table. I start telling him what I want done and if he can refer me. He looks me straight in the eye and says I don’t need it. My lips are fine. My nose isn’t crooked. I don’t have scars on my face. And that if I want to lose weight, I can try some diet and exercise. “Join a gym, you’ll be fine.” WTF?!?!? Now I know my BMI is too high. So, I mean, I just… is he bullshitting me or do I sound crazy to him?

I want him to give me what I want. I don’t want to hear that I look fine when most days I don’t like what I see. I go for months without being able to actually look at myself in the mirror because I get anxiety over it and feel more depressed.

None of this makes sense.

It’s all confusing and frustrating.



12 thoughts on “Body Dysmorphic Disorder &/or Depression- Questions Questions

  1. ❤ Love to you, Dear. It definitely is tough to see our "true" selves when our perceptions are filtered through our mental illnesses. At the same time, I understand your frustration with others not seeing what you see.


  2. Gosh its hard to hear a doctor say that. I sometimes wonder if I have this. When I feel sad I feel fat. I have started taking some supplements that seem to help! Let me know if you want to know what they are.


    Liked by 1 person

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