I held back a lot of tears today. I knew why I had most of them. Others just came for no reason. I’m thinking about letting some out right now. I’m afraid if I do they won’t stop, though.
I have so much to be thankful for. People and people and people, I suppose. But I feel more alone than ever before. I feel very distant from the world. Like, I’m far away. And everyone is back where I used to be. Nobody is out here.
I decided it would be a good idea to stop eating for awhile. I need a break and it was easier before when I wasn’t eating. It’s too much work to do. And I always get sick. I lost my desire for it anyway…
Seasonal Affective Disorder.
Otherwise know as SAD.
And it’s my birthday soon.
And this happens #always.
It doesn’t help that right about now is when getting older becomes a lot less fun. It’s the time of fine lines, pressure to make serious commitments and overwhelming expectations of success.
In any case, I’m a 3rd generation SAD individual. I get sad when SAD is activated. I know how it goes. I know to think positive. I know to create new memories during this time of year. I know to verbalize my feelings. For example, I announced to my mother in a demanding tone that “I want a boyfriend. I want to be sane and have a boyfriend.” Then, I laughed. Because I definitely don’t want to settle down. I get too claustrophobic. And I definitely am a long way from sane. Don’t seem to be making progress, like ever. But hey, I’m expressing myself.
And I made it out today. Got my hair blown out. Forced myself to a cousin’s birthday. My hair looked really nice. It’s so long. Like halfway down my back. I had no idea. It’s been awhile since I paid any mind to it. I looked at myself, too. Well, my face. I looked at my face.
I don’t really want to go out tomorrow. Today was a lot and I don’t want to hold anything back. I’m tired and just want to sleep for a few weeks.
Also, my cat doesn’t seem to like me anymore. Maybe I’m looking at the world with a warped perspective from SAD. Maybe I’m paranoid. Or maybe he does actually hate me now. I’m leaning towards the latter. It was bound to happen. It’s hard living with anyone and always getting along. And cats are such temperamental creatures. Who knows what I did to upset him…