Update: Withdrawal is a Bitch & I’ve Been Writing

I haven’t really been here. Been dealing with some physical ailments. Been in hospital. Nothing to do there except write. So I’ve been writing a lot. A lot. A lot.


Anyway, so in there they decide to take me off both of my SSRIs. At once. COLD TURKEY. No titrating down. NO TITRATING DOWN. Keep in mind, I’m a fucking manic depressive. And I wasn’t taking weak ass shit. They upped one of my mood stabilizers, but all that did is confuse my brain more.

It took about 5 days for me to suddenly go coocoo for coco puffs. Super aggressive. Wanting to punch everyone. Yelling at people. Sweats. Can’t keep food down. Wanting to rip my skin off. Roll myself up into a spiral. A ball. Tighter and tighter till nothing is left of me and I simply disappear. I shut my phone off. I can’t communicate verbally well and I get confused easily. It’s hard to think straight and I just want to feel better.


I’m still in this so they offered to up my mood stabilizer again, and give me another one. One doctor wanted to start me immediately on Prozac, as well. I was like- no. I’m too fucked up at the moment. I wouldn’t know if I was having a reaction to the Prozac or the other mood stabilizer or if it’s just my withdrawal.


This whole situation is really unethical. I shouldn’t have been cut off like this. I needed off those two drugs. In fact, one I wanted off FOR MONTHS. But, to suddenly shock the system isn’t safe. I had two seizures because I lost so much weight and have no vitamins in me. My hair is falling out from malnutrition and I got gingivitis for the first time ever from malnutrition as well. I collapsed several times and hurt my hip. I just, this whole thing is stupid and could have been avoided if the team had my best interest in mind and didn’t treat me like another one on the conveyor belt.


Good news is I’m not depressed, even though I cry every day for no reason. I’m mainly just angry as fuck. At everyone. Even you. I don’t even know you but I am mad at you.


I’m going to try to post some of my poems over the next week. If you were a fan of my work, well you’re going to get some again if all goes well.


Also, praise God for medical marijuana.




2 thoughts on “Update: Withdrawal is a Bitch & I’ve Been Writing

  1. There is a reason why ganga is found in nature – it is pure and not like all these other man made chemicals that us people with Mental illnesses tend to get put on. I am a walking benzo factory. I am on three different Benzos , two mood anti psychotics. I have stopped taking on my own . MB. and I am on Prozac. I don’t ever think I will get back my mind. These drugs have been instrumental in screwing up my dopamine and serotonin – They have changed my neural pathways un naturally. I feel your anger. I thought I was going to get better! Look forward to your poems xx all the best :0


    1. Cannabis is the only thing holding me down. And in hospital they wouldn’t give it to me! Just more benzos and narcotics and opiates- uppers and downers and compounds that fuck up my poor liver and kidneys. They don’t give a fuck. They rather give me that than a plant!

      I’m still on a very high dose of an anti-anxiety drug, and 1 mood stabilizer (that they upped and want to up more). Like I said I denied the other one. They suggested an anti-psychotic and I looked at them like they were the crazy ones. You can’t keep bombarding the brain with these different chemicals. Like you said, they fuck up the pathways. I don’t feel normal. I’m hoping that after withdrawal I’ll stop crying for no reason. That would be great. And that I could keep food down. I got sick 8x today alone.
      Believe me, I thought I was originally going to get better too when I started down this road about 2 years ago. They slipped in an anti-anxiety. Clozapan. .5. .5 turned in 5 MILLIGRAMS. How can they give me half a milligram and then 5 milligrams within a 3 month period? Since then, it’s all been crazy. I’m not saying I don’t have issues and that some medicines are necessary to try to help my naturally low serotonin and dopamine responses. But all this crazy shit- it’s just too much for one mind to handle.

      If I wasn’t stuck in NYC I’d move to the hills of Northern California and get some good shit, high CBD medium THC highbred because I need to treat my chronic pain (indica) from my Multiple Sclerosis as well as my depression and anxiety (sativa). I belong in the Sativa and Indica camps so I need a hybrid.


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