I haven’t really been here. Been dealing with some physical ailments. Been in hospital. Nothing to do there except write. So I’ve been writing a lot. A lot. A lot.
Anyway, so in there they decide to take me off both of my SSRIs. At once. COLD TURKEY. No titrating down. NO TITRATING DOWN. Keep in mind, I’m a fucking manic depressive. And I wasn’t taking weak ass shit. They upped one of my mood stabilizers, but all that did is confuse my brain more.
It took about 5 days for me to suddenly go coocoo for coco puffs. Super aggressive. Wanting to punch everyone. Yelling at people. Sweats. Can’t keep food down. Wanting to rip my skin off. Roll myself up into a spiral. A ball. Tighter and tighter till nothing is left of me and I simply disappear. I shut my phone off. I can’t communicate verbally well and I get confused easily. It’s hard to think straight and I just want to feel better.
I’m still in this so they offered to up my mood stabilizer again, and give me another one. One doctor wanted to start me immediately on Prozac, as well. I was like- no. I’m too fucked up at the moment. I wouldn’t know if I was having a reaction to the Prozac or the other mood stabilizer or if it’s just my withdrawal.
This whole situation is really unethical. I shouldn’t have been cut off like this. I needed off those two drugs. In fact, one I wanted off FOR MONTHS. But, to suddenly shock the system isn’t safe. I had two seizures because I lost so much weight and have no vitamins in me. My hair is falling out from malnutrition and I got gingivitis for the first time ever from malnutrition as well. I collapsed several times and hurt my hip. I just, this whole thing is stupid and could have been avoided if the team had my best interest in mind and didn’t treat me like another one on the conveyor belt.
Good news is I’m not depressed, even though I cry every day for no reason. I’m mainly just angry as fuck. At everyone. Even you. I don’t even know you but I am mad at you.
I’m going to try to post some of my poems over the next week. If you were a fan of my work, well you’re going to get some again if all goes well.
Also, praise God for medical marijuana.