Chemo sucked. Chemo sucks. That’s why I’ve been AFK. I went for treatment on Friday. Infusions. I look like a junkie. Veins blown. Pills pills pills. Drown me in them. Make the music louder. I can’t get out of the chair so I’m just gonna sleep in it. It hurts too much to move. Just bring me water so I can swallow more.
My skin was getting better and then got worse again. My trick is vaseline. Lots and lots of vaseline. It bleeds less. But yesterday it came back burning like a motherfucker. Motherfuckers burn, clearly.
And now I noticed my hair thinning. Not much. But in the front. Probably my steroids I guess. It’s likely not noticeable to other people. Of course I see every flaw. Every bad thing on me. In me. Monster.
And my fingers lost sensation. WEIRD ikr.
I had to take steroids so I’m all swollen and achy and aggressive and moody and generally on edge.
To add to this nightmare…
My subconscious has been fucking me.
My subconscious is playing a movie I don’t want to see.
I’m over here trying to chill out, living on rice pudding because it’s the only thing that doesn’t get me sick and I can’t calm down. I can’t chill out.
Every time I close my eyes I’m bombarded.
My dreams are assaulting me.
I do NOT use the word assault lightly because I was once sexually assaulted. It was absolutely terrible because I was awake during the whole thing. For me to use the term assault, it’s serious. It’s serious and dire and I can’t chill the fuck out or calm the fuck down or escape my head or balance the chemicals that are fluctuating– diving now too low.
GOODBYE SEROTONIN! GOODBYE DOPAMINE!
I miss them so much.
I am being assaulted with sick desires to go back to the person who hurt me so much. I don’t know why. I want to ask him questions. Want explanations. Want apologies. Like I wrote in… wait for it, wait for it, Wanting An Apology From Your Past. LOLS.
I have an idea as to why… time. Circles. Moments. Triggers. So all this shit came back. And my brain gets all confused because it’s overwhelmed. And I’m on steroids.
But, as I’ve always said
I rather be alone than feel lonely with someone beside me.
And I never want to go back to being hurt.
I just have no control over this brain fucking me in the ass.
& I lowered one of my anti-depressants a few weeks ago because it hasn’t helped in the slightest. So I got brain shivers and shit. And I know lowering causes MORE vivid dreams.
I announced to my mother that I need weed. This was at 7AM. She was like, “what?”
My mother is strictly against recreational drug use, drug use in general, etc. ESPECIALLY mj. She thinks I’m going to turn into some pothead.
I explained that I AM BEING ASSAULTED IN MY MIND. I might have been screaming at her. I don’t remember. Everything feels so bad. I can’t chill out. I can’t breathe. I can’t sleep. I feel fucking crazy. Do I sound crazy? I’m so done.
So I messaged some people. Nobody responded. I doubt I’ll get anything. I’m gonna try my general practitioner who can subscribe medical which I qualify for. We’ll see what happens. I doubt I have the money. It’s all out of pocket.
I am so done. I just need to chill out. I can’t stay on this rollercoaster anymore, kids.