My God Almighty. Save me from this body. Amen.
The chemotherapy is taking its toll on me. The steroids I was on are taking its toll on me. I was not slowly weaned off the steroids, so it hits harder than otherwise. And you know, it’s all coming again March 25th.
Someone came in, a social worker or something that’s working on my case post hospital, to talk to me about a home nurse aid and assisted living. Right now I am getting at home physical therapy that mainly is helping me walk (not really. It’s pretty pointless). I’m also getting a nurse to come in and monitor stuff. What, I don’t really know. I guess my pain levels. Pretty pointless. But it’s nice someone comes in and checks on me as I’m fading away.
Everything tastes like poison. I’m living on bananas and applesauce and water. I constantly have the urge to vomit. Sorry if that grosses you out. Believe me, it’s not pleasant for me either.
Sitting up hurts. Laying on my left side hurts. Laying flat hurts. Laying with my legs raised hurts. Right side hurts.
All the while, these drugs make me want to puke. And at this point I know I’m not getting proper nutrition.
What’s sad is yesterday I had a really good day. It all turned south when, against my will, I was put in a car to visit a nursing home to see my grandmother. I couldn’t handle the car ride. My body just couldn’t handle the bumps in the road. My neck has a lump from the steroids and I felt like I was suddenly being choked. I also had sharp pains in my face and in my chest. Nerve pain. It was also shooting down my arms. My mom thought I was having a heart attack. I just wanted to go home. It was quite odd and quite terrible. Between shallow breaths I demanded to be taken home. I laid in bed for several hours with no television or music. I just laid there trying to recover. That’s when I took the oxycodone which ended up not helping at all.
I was told oxy was a lot more powerful than vicodin. Well 5mg is equivalent to roughly 10mg of vicodin, I later found out. Whoop-de-do. Not a big difference. AND it did not relieve ANY of my pain. Not one area of my body had any relief. It just made me very, very dizzy (and I’m already dizzy from my lesion) as well as drowsy. I slept an unrestful 2 hours before the pain was too unbearable. My bones are just being chipped away. I feel them. I feel them getting weaker inside me.
Around 6 hours later (a safe window) I took my vicodin. I got some relief. I am still in way too much pain to sleep.
My skin is too tight anyway. I think I’m going to go buy special moisturizer. I use these fancy ones, these all natural ones, and an unscented one. My hands are still too tight to fully open. My face has a patch that’s bleeding as well as both my ears and behind my ears. My nails are super weak and chipping off, which is weird. I think I’m in a bad general rheumatological flare up at this point. I spent $45 on special cremes and stuff. Hopefully that helps!
Anyway, this is just an update from my bedroom.
Sorry for the grammar. I’m a bit all over the place in my head.
I hope all is well with you.
Hope to hear from you soon.