My Painful Depression, Where Are You?, blog post by Drem

First…

What is Painful Depression?? Is it like normal depression?

NO. Painful Depression is when your mental state manifests itself physically. It presents itself differently in different people. For me, I get a void in my chest. A darkness. In the center. It radiates a pain outwards. Reaching to my arms. My fingers. Down my back. Keeping a hold of me. Making it hard to move. My eyelids become too heavy to open. Every shift in weight, like moving from one side to the bed to the next, is a task I question worth taking. Even the simplest of goals, like walking down the steps, is a great feat to be accomplished. And, worst of all, it sits in you. Just sits there. Feeding off your energy. Like a parasite.There is no tomorrow. There is no now. There is only it.

 

That sounds terrible! How long have you had it?

Normal depression- feels like forever. Painful depression- I had it on and off for a few years, but nowhere near as bad as the past six months where is was a pretty much daily normalcy. If I didn’t have Painful Depression, I would announce it. That happened once every two weeks if I was lucky. Relief  usually didn’t last the whole day. My PTSD symptoms have been worse and worse and amplified after an unsuspecting assault in August that left me really fucked up. Then I forced myself to go back to school. It was all too much.

 

Where did it go? In the title it makes it sound like it left!

I’m sitting here. 4:30AM. Still perplexed.

It’s been about 4 days that since I have had Painful Depression.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

 

The only thing that’s different is the following. Keep in mind I was on most of these a few days before my Painful Depression left.

  1. I’m on chemotherapy that took out my B cells.
  2. I’m on steroids that took down brain & spinal chord inflammation.
  3. I’m on an anti-inflammatory medication that can cause internal bleeding so I have to get off it but I don’t want to because it makes me feel better.
  4. It’s a bit warmer outside.
  5. There has been Spring Forward so the clocks changed.
  6. Now the past two days my aunt is staying over.
  7. I’m sleeping more during the day because of the chemo. I’m perpetually exhausted.
  8. I re-evauated my life after being in hospital and risking my life (last time was 8 months ago).

 

Now, I would go with #8. But, when I was in the hospital going through all this crazy shit in my head I was so angry and depressed and filled with emotions. I was at peace but still was getting some PTSD problems. Upping my anti-anxiety meds. Only the night before my big treatment did I calm down and thank God for my problems because I wouldn’t be the person I am without them.

Coming home immediately after, I had painful depression.

AND THEN IT LEFT.

 

So maybe it was #2? Perhaps my brain/spinal chord inflammation was increasing my depression??!?!?!?!?!?! It does take steroids a few days to take full affect!

Well, I had scans since September and it showed no inflammation so I dunno. Doesn’t make quite sense.

 

When was the moment it left?

I was sitting one evening with my mom and my mom’s boyfriend and I was joking around like I always do with him because we have the same sense of humor. I do this quite often. It never before relieved my painful depression. I was in my painful depression chair. I was on a lot of pain medication because my bones felt like they were being shaved inside my body and I was swollen from steroids (still swollen, still body pain but not as bad).

I remember it suddenly lifting from me. It just- bam. Lifted. I figured it was a freak thing. I went to bed expecting it to come back. It hasn’t.

 

Conclusion

I have no idea but at least it’s one less thing I’m dealing with.

If you have any suspicions let me know.

If it comes back I’ll tell you.

Maybe this is a freak occurrence and I’ll be fucked again tomorrow.

Maybe I’m healed.

 

 

xoxo

Drem


4 thoughts on “My Painful Depression, Where Are You?, blog post by Drem

  1. It breaks my heart hearing about all the painful things you are going through. It takes such immense amount of courage to work through the pain logically like you are doing. Please don’t stop fighting. You are a brilliant, strong woman and you deserve happiness.

    Like

    1. I hope you are right! I am normal depressed. Just not, can’t get out of bed due to Painful Depression depressed. For me, it’s different.
      Today- no painful depression.
      Tomorrow- who knows.

      Like

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