Note: This is so inspirational and moving… I can’t think of anything more to say. Speechless. I read the entire thing and I have a super short attention span so it means a lot. I’m also on chemotherapy right now so high as a fucking kite and sick as a poor dog but I got through this and I’m just, wow. Thank you for sharing, Ashley. I hope the whole world can read this and see your strength.
The LAST high. A thing that too many addicts reach only on their deathbeds. I know so many recovering addicts today and I can solidly say that only a few of us knew when we were using for the last time.Whether that be because some of us were having one last blowout before rehab or because we knew that after that one, we were just done. Either way, some of us knew, some didn’t.
I did not.
The last time I used I had every intention of getting high again. I was 3 months away from turning 23 and had finally gotten off of opiates 3 months prior. I was however, still smoking copious amounts of pot. I’m talking an ounce a day of really good pot. It was the only thing I knew to do at the time to ease the transition off of long-term opiate abuse. Granted, I smoked just as much on opiates. Regardless of that fact, it helped me sleep, eat, function. Those things are all true, even in retrospect with almost 3 years clean. Living in a chronically ill body is not an easy task. I spent many years smoking weed to ease the pain I felt physically, as well as mentally. I relapsed multiple times by smoking because I just wanted to sleep or eat and actually keep my food down.
So, as stated above, I was smoking a lot of pot; yet I still felt as horrible as I did when I was strung out on opiates. Days ran into nights ran into days. An endless loop of deep seeded rage, emotional turmoil, and violent mood swings, combined with immense physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual pain. My ex and I could barely get along, I hated my job with every fiber of my being, and most of all, I just couldn’t stand myself and all the things I had done anymore. I thought getting clean off the opiates would change all that. Yet there I was, 3 months later, feeling just as awful, even though my life had become much more manageable not having to maintain an expensive opiate habit. All I wanted, so badly I dreamt about it, was to feel like myself again.
Continue Reading @ Source: My LAST High