This is my MS.
…MS, go say “hi”.
I’m so angry.
I can’t keep living this way.
Ups and downs.
More downs then ups.
I can’t remember my last up.
Just a few days ago my knees (both of them!) started losing strength.
By the next day the weakness went up to my hips.
Yesterday went my left arm, including my hand.
My mother is running in circles kicking up dust and doing nothing much else but complaining about not wanting to drive me to the hospital for treatment or complaining about having to pack me for the hospital or complaining that my doctor took three days to call back or complaining about needing to get her hair done in time.
She just walked in and this is a direct quote while I am on the bed unable to move much and typing this. Mom says, “If I knew this I would have gotten my manicure!”
How about saving that money and pulling up the rugs and investing in a fucking wheelchair so I can get around easier when I’m in a flare up? NO?!
My mother keeps referring to me as “we” and “us”.
I told her there is no “we” or “us”.
There is me. There is my MS. There is the steroids I need to bring down my brain/spinal chord lesion inflammation. There is the chemotherapy I’m getting. ALONE.
I’ll take the fucking bus into the city with a walker. Or, put a cab service on my credit card.
I’m tired and angry.
I slept a lot.
The only person I like is my cat. He’s not even a person.
… So what’s the plan?
Steroids for a few days. Then, chemo to kill my B cells.
I have no one to vent to. I have no one to talk to. Nobody gets what it’s like living with a disease that can take so much from you so quickly, with an invisible swipe of the hand.
I had to explain to too many people, at my mother’s request, why I need to go to the hospital, why I can’t change doctor’s right now, what’s going on in my body and why it’s happening and why I’m not cured.
I’m really fucking tired and I feel sick from my baclofen and sick from my vicoden.
I can’t write a poem. I can’t remember what I’m doing. I want to eat something and go to bed.
“MS, GO FUCK YOURSELF!”