Hi Chemotherapy. It’s Drem. This is my MS.

Hi Chemotherapy,

It’s Drem.

This is my MS.

…MS, go say “hi”.

 

I’m so angry.

I can’t keep living this way.

Ups and downs.

More downs then ups.

I can’t remember my last up.

 

Just a few days ago my knees (both of them!) started losing strength.

By the next day the weakness went up to my hips.

Yesterday went my left arm, including my hand.

 

My mother is running in circles kicking up dust and doing nothing much else but complaining about not wanting to drive me to the hospital for treatment or complaining about having to pack me for the hospital or complaining that my doctor took three days to call back or complaining about needing to get her hair done in time.

She just walked in and this is a direct quote while I am on the bed unable to move much and typing this. Mom says, “If I knew this I would have gotten my manicure!”

…..

………

Yeah.

How about saving that money and pulling up the rugs and investing in a fucking wheelchair so I can get around easier when I’m in a flare up? NO?!


 

My mother keeps referring to me as “we” and “us”.

I told her there is no “we” or “us”.

There is me. There is my MS. There is the steroids I need to bring down my brain/spinal chord lesion inflammation. There is the chemotherapy I’m getting. ALONE.

I’ll take the fucking bus into the city with a  walker. Or, put a cab service on my credit card.

 

I’m tired and angry.

I slept a lot.

The only person I like is my cat. He’s not even a person.


 

… So what’s the plan?

 

Steroids for a few days. Then, chemo to kill my B cells.


 

 

I have no one to vent to. I have no one to talk to. Nobody gets what it’s like living with a disease that can take so much from you so quickly, with an invisible swipe of the hand.

I had to explain to too many people, at my mother’s request, why I need to go to the hospital, why I can’t change doctor’s right now, what’s going on in my body and why it’s happening and why I’m not cured.

I’m tired.

I’m really fucking tired and I feel sick from my baclofen and sick from my vicoden.


 

I can’t write a poem. I can’t remember what I’m doing. I want to eat something and go to bed.

 

xoxo

“MS, GO FUCK YOURSELF!”

Drem


13 thoughts on “Hi Chemotherapy. It’s Drem. This is my MS.

    1. Thank you. I got up. Ate something. Feeling a little better. I need to keep my mind off reality but it gets hard sometimes when I’m under a lot of stress and my mobility is impaired.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I have a muscle disease Lyme disease, and a bone disease, and although I don’t have MS I think people treat me the same way as you. your blog resonates with me and I can tell you you are not alone. I like my dog more than most people. THe comment about the manicure…wow! People have NO clue what you are going through or what I am going through. I’m glad you vented. I can relate.

    Like

    1. Bethany, I have recurring Lyme disease! Not right now, but I had it when I was 3 years old and it came back several times. My last bloodwork showed it active. Then I went on some antibiotic and it killed it again. I am reading that there may be some correlation between MS and Lymes. Also, both cause brain lesions so originally my doctors assumed my Lyme disease caused my lesions. But, because of the amount of my lesions and the area which is typical of MS + spinal lesions they said it was MS.

      I can relate to you, Bethany. We are in this together. Thank you so much for commenting.

      What’s your dog’s name? Is he or she very cute?

      xoxo
      Drem

      Like

  2. Dear MS, please fuck off and leave Drem alone, you bastard. Dear Drem’s Mum, please try to exercise a little empathy and watch what you say around her. Dear Drem’s kitty cat, please give her lots of cuddles. She really needs you right now. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

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