Hello my friends,
I’m so behind on everything. I know I have one job and I can’t do that one.
So, to start, I was in the hospital tonight. It wasn’t psych related (yay?). My meds still aren’t right but there’s nothing I can do at this point. I can’t get a damn appointment. I was in about a physical ailment I’ve been having with my endometriosis and now possible tumor/polyps. Last time I had that it was pre-cancerous so I’m not happy. Not excited.
Anyway, it was nice having my boyfriend with me. He didn’t really know what to do. But I think he cared I existed and that is nice. It’s nice for someone to care you exist. I’m not quite sure but he says he does care I exist. Who knows. I’m not in his head and he’s really hard to read. I think he’s hard to read because he has a penis.
I got some antibiotics. I hope to feel better soon but I think once I finally am able to get to my doctor I’ll need my surgery. This is a temporary fix I have at the moment so it won’t get worse. And the surgery I still can’t afford. I’m sure you can imagine how much stress that puts on me. That and not feeling well. Cold sweats. I can’t digest much. I’m nervous all the time. And I still cry a lot.
I’m supposed to go for my next tattoo tomorrow (which is today). I probably shouldn’t go. I have an infection. I feel physically unwell. I look like a ghost. My skin is pasty and is even more sickly white than normal. My boyfriend is caucasian (German) and next to me he looks like a dark Puerto Rican. I make everyone look like they just got back from Florida with a lovely tan. No, I’m just a sick motherfucker who is naturally pale. I don’t know why I’m so pale. No one is paler than me except one cousin is a shade lighter. He reminds me of a piece of computer paper.
My family compromises of all shades. Truthfully, I always envied by darker cousins. I should not be envious and with age I am no longer. However, when I was little I had that vice. They looked so healthy and with their black, thick hair (which I later learned is very hard to manage and expensive) they looked like Jasmine from Aladdin. Or those girls in those hiphop ’90s videos. And Jennifer Lopez. And Salma Hayek. Modern day, I could compare them to the Kardashians.
I never even tan. Some of my fairer white cousins can at least tan and look like Salma Hayek. I just turn into a fat red tomato. With big boobs. A fat red tomato with big boobs.
I’m still the fucking tomato. Deep down, I will always identify as one. That is my identity. A tomato.