Cractpot is from Ontario, Canada. She’s a 39 year old mother of three and runs Cractpot.Wordpress. She also suffers from endometriosis, an illness that makes the uterine tissue grow outside of the uterus. It can be extremely painful, cause infertility issues and more (I actually have endometriosis too!). Now she’s…
Writing To Heal
Drem: What’s it like dealing with your endometriosis?
Cractpot: For the last three years I’ve been at war with my body as I battle with endometriosis. It is a tricky disease that affects everyone differently. Luckily, for me the pain is consistent but manageable. The exhaustion always present, but not overwhelming. On most days, I could be victorious. But Endometriosis is an adversary with stamina. No matter how many battles I win, Endometetriosis will win the war. That knowledge is devastating. Writing is a way to feel productive even when my body is defeated. See For All The Tea In China which was inspired by this.
D: Does writing help you digest your pain/suffering/experience and give some relief? Do you use it to cope?
C: Absolutely and in subtle ways. Between medication, and the isolation an illness can bring, depression and anxiety have wormed their way into my list of symptoms. Add fatigue to the list, and motivation can be hard to find. One symptom seems to feed into the other, exaggerating it, until they seem so big that it clouds your vision and your perspective is lost. You start with pain and then add medications that have side effects of depression and anxiety. Going into battle with your body is exhausting and suddenly you aren’t able to accomplish what you could before. That aggravates your anxiety. Feeling anxious trips you up and more things slide off your plate which triggers your depression. Resting your body becomes less about healing and more about escaping and suddenly you’re standing in the ruins of your life, not sure what step to take because you’ve gotten so lost. Sleeping is a way of avoiding it all. I had gotten myself into that cycle and might have gone in circles forever if a friend hadn’t called me with her own crisis. I had been pulling away from my friendships. I didn’t want to be a complainer but I also didn’t know how to explain my reality without it sounding like complaining. When this friend reached out, I knew I couldn’t wait until I was having a good day. I needed to say something so I started writing. The email was everything that I hadn’t been saying for the last few years. I had to face the person I was becoming, the sick person I didn’t want to be. Trying to hide that person had turned me into a bad friend and losing those friendships directly affected my support system that is so important but becomes crucial when dealing with chronic illness.
The point is, that email was a turning point. After writing everything down, I started toying with the idea of a blog where I could vent without burdening friends. I wanted an anonymous setting where I could feel free to write without fear of reprisal or judgement.
D: How’s the blogging been going?
C: I’m only just starting on my blogging adventure. I began, thinking that I would use it as an outlet for all my anger and frustration. Surprisingly, the very act of starting something, lit a candle and helped me out of the dark. Suddenly I found inspiration everywhere. Groucho Marx was quoted as saying, “Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light” My mother felt the solution to every problem lied in the bottom of a cup of tea. Between the two of them cractpot was formed.
It’s funny, in all of my different ways of dealing with this illness, I went to see an energy healer who specialized in chronic pain. She encouraged me to keep a journal. She stressed that I keep what I’ve written away from where I slept. She explained that words have power and that journals are a great way to purge negativity but that you don’t want to hold that negativity close.
Regardless, I wasn’t able to maintain writing in a journal. In a household with three kids someone is always vying for your attention and life often convinced me that there was something more important that I should be doing.
The benefit of blogging is the possibility that someone is listening; waiting for you to say something. That potential is enough to inspire me when life intervenes. Also, if I write something negative, I sleep easier sending it out into the depths of the internet, knowing that no one is obligated to read it or try to fix it, or feel any sense of responsibility.
D:Living with endometriosis and now having your blog, I imagine it’s hard to do.
C: I try to post an entry once a week. Besides being a mother, I am also a server at a fine dining restaurant. Needless to say Christmas is a very busy time in both of those departments so if you take a peek at my blog forgive the blank space that represents the holiday season.
I used to be the person that scoffed at reading online, and spent money purchasing stationary in an age of emails but slowly but surely I’m making my way into the 21st century. It might be that I have a teenage daughter dragging me kicking and screaming but I now am the proud owner of a kobo and the author of an anonymous online diary that connects to facebook and twitter.
It takes me a while to actually publish something that I’ve written. I start writing once the kids have left for school and then I let it sit and steep until the kids are all in bed and then I begin editing (and editing and editing). One more read after a good night sleep and I take a deep breath and press send. I love the idea that something that I’ve accomplished is out there, that I can go back and check in on it, sitting there, just the way I left it. Unlike many other aspects of my life, like house cleaning, that I turn my back on for 2 seconds and my family demolishes.
D: What dreams do you have for your writing/art and have those dreams changed since starting?
C: I started this endeavour with only an intention of venting without causing family and friends unnecessary stress over a situation they couldn’t understand or change. It became so much more. Blogging introduced me to an online community; people who battle their bodies and provide strategies on how to come through the other side victorious. Sometimes it provides a distraction, other times, humour when I need it most. It reminded me of the importance of connections and the importance to being true to yourself, even if you sometimes feel that person isn’t enough.
My dream is to grow my reading audience and provide others with those same benefits. I’m excited to improve my consistency and vary my subject matter in 2016.
Connect with Trina of It’s Good To Be Crazy Sometimes.
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