This isn’t a post for help. I’m just writing out my feelings because there is nothing else I can do.
It wasn’t a cry and I felt better type of cry. It was a cry and still feel in terrible physical pain from a swollen leg and hopeless waiting to die type of cry.
The pain was my fault. I went to a movie with my bf. Cold with uncomfortable chairs. Then, I went home and watched a movie with him on a very uncomfortable couch in the basement (cold basement) since my mom was upstairs with her boyfriend taking up the comfy couch. Thus, swollen leg with spasms that are making me cry. I can’t escape this pain.
My back has been killing me for awhile. I’m having endometriosis symptoms (again). First time this bad in the years since my surgery which removed pre-cancerous tumors and growths and endo that was encasing my stomach, my lower spine, my entire pelvis, and intestine attachment to my left side. Like, this endometriosis was like everywhere. It saved my life. I would have developed ovarian cancer. And now I’m getting bleeding and very painful symptoms that I frankly can’t handle. I’ve gained weight and thinking maybe it’s a hormonal imbalance (my hormones are always fucked up. PCOS and such). That’s an $18,000 surgery because it’s cutting, not laser which is cheaper but can actually spread endometriosis from the cells that fly off while doing that type of procedure.
I CAN NOT AFFORD THE PROPER SURGERY. FUCK YOU OBAMACARE!
My pain is just piling up and I can’t think clearly and I’m SO tired but the pain is just too bad to sleep. I’m on two pain pills (though, each one is a lower dose than I usually take).
Now, I’m in a no bullshit mood. People complain to me about their nonsense problems that they caused themselves and I am no longer that friend who is the shoulder to cry on. I’m too busy crying myself.
I’m too fucking tired.
I’m too fucking hopeless.
I’m too fucking high.
I’m too busy crying myself.
There’s nothing I can do. I’m in me and there’s no escape. Earlier I was getting these flashbacks. I was in the car with my boyfriend and was getting the PTSD flashes behind my eyes. So vivid. I was reliving things. Bad things. I don’t want these bad things. I want to hide from my mind. I can’t. I can’t remove my memories. I’m locked in them. They are locked in me. They just continued. All evening on my date. Finally, culminating with my swelling leg and spasms. The surgery I’ll likely need that I can’t afford. Crying by myself.