2/1/16 Journal Entry- Crying For the First Time In A Long Time & No Relief

This isn’t a post for help. I’m just writing out my feelings because there is nothing else I can do.



It wasn’t a cry and I felt better type of cry. It was a cry and still feel in terrible physical pain from a swollen leg and hopeless waiting to die type of cry.


The pain was my fault. I went to a movie with my bf. Cold with uncomfortable chairs. Then, I went home and watched a movie with him on a very uncomfortable couch in the basement (cold basement) since my mom was upstairs with her boyfriend taking up the comfy couch. Thus, swollen leg with spasms that are making me cry. I can’t escape this pain.


My back has been killing me for awhile. I’m having endometriosis symptoms (again). First time this bad in the years since my surgery which removed pre-cancerous tumors and growths and endo that was encasing my stomach, my lower spine, my entire pelvis, and intestine attachment to my left side. Like, this endometriosis was like everywhere. It saved my life. I would have developed ovarian cancer. And now I’m getting bleeding and very painful symptoms that I frankly can’t handle. I’ve gained weight and thinking maybe it’s a hormonal imbalance (my hormones are always fucked up. PCOS and such). That’s an $18,000 surgery because it’s cutting, not laser which is cheaper but can actually spread endometriosis from the cells that fly off while doing that type of procedure.



My pain is just piling up and I can’t think clearly and I’m SO tired but the pain is just too bad to sleep. I’m on two pain pills (though, each one is a lower dose than I usually take).


Now, I’m in a no bullshit mood. People complain to me about their nonsense problems that they caused themselves and I am no longer that friend who is the shoulder to cry on. I’m too busy crying myself.


I’m too fucking tired.

I’m too fucking hopeless.

I’m too fucking high.

I’m too busy crying myself.

There’s nothing I can do. I’m in me and there’s no escape. Earlier I was getting these flashbacks. I was in the car with my boyfriend and was getting the PTSD flashes behind my eyes. So vivid. I was reliving things. Bad things. I don’t want these bad things. I want to hide from my mind. I can’t. I can’t remove my memories. I’m locked in them. They are locked in me. They just continued. All evening on my date. Finally, culminating with my swelling leg and spasms. The surgery I’ll likely need that I can’t afford. Crying by myself.



3 thoughts on “2/1/16 Journal Entry- Crying For the First Time In A Long Time & No Relief

  1. Bad things will always appear, but we have to better than bad things. You don’t have to cry by yourself. Talk to a women resource center, or create one. Try the group circle just to get folks talking. As far as the Obama care thing, looks like you have fallen into the trap that politicians want you too. Believe me there is help out there. You got my attention, not get the attention of others. O yea, it’s okay to cry.


    1. I never said bad things won’t appear. I don’t think you are familiar with my work. I am primarily a trauma poet and sometimes blogger/short essayist. I write about living with chronic pain from serious incurable illnesses, the medications including chemotherapy, as well as mental health issues: post traumatic stress disorder, depression and anxiety as well as the traumas of surviving sexual and domestic abuse.

      A women’s resource center is not for someone who has a multitude of serious physical and emotional problems. They primarily focus on domestic violence and sexual assault cases. I’m not a simple case (which, I understand you don’t know because you haven’t read my previous posts).
      I know about these resources.

      The Obamacare thing was not a trap. It was a joke.

      There are limited grants for my illness, but nowhere near the cost of my surgery. I have done my research.

      And I never said it wasn’t okay to cry but I suppose thank you for giving your approval and support of my crying…


      (If you didn’t notice, I get annoyed when people give unsolicited advice. Perhaps it wasn’t intended by you, but it came across that way to me.)


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