Who Is There In My Reflection?, blog post by Drem

JUDGEMENT FREE ZONE!

 

Hello my friends,

I have not forgotten about you. It’s been nearly a week since my last post, yet it feels like forever. Shoutout to Tony, Jodine, South, BJ, OP, Tiffany, Jas, Amra and my other faithful readers. If I forgot anyone, keep in mind I have brain damage. IT’S NOT MY FAULT, MY LOVELIES!

Much to the dismay of my cherished Cat (he is resting in my bed) I decided now is as good time as any to put some words to the web.

 

I decided to talk about my reflection.

I’ve touched about this in the past- seeing scars on my face that aren’t there. Seeing someone twice the size of me. Seeing someone with crooked teeth. I don’t have prominent scars on my face, nor crooked teeth. I actually never even needed braces. I have naturally straight teeth. I don’t believe I have a body image problem- but what’s up with that?

 

Truth though, I did put on some weight recently. I think it’s stress and plain old depression. Dealing with the ups and downs.  Getting the will to do things, plus my new tendency for Starbucks is not helping. I gained 5 inches in my bust alone. A full fucking cup size. As a size F/G, this is not welcome. I need to go buy bra extenders. I think I’m going to the mall with the boyfriend on Wednesday and I’ll pick those up. I’ll stuff what I got in there, but the waist band cutting in is causing circulation problems. I never needed those extenders before. Maybe I should see a doctor. It really came out of nowhere. One of my besties thought I might be pregnant. PANIC MODE! I am not. No worries. I am smart. And my body doesn’t work properly. And IUDs are the best thing ever. So 3 things on my side, plus I’m conservative and don’t jump into bed (no judgement for those that do! Just be careful!).

 

Anyway, I’m still seeing my boyfriend. I think he knows about some of my insecurities. I pass them off as shyness. “I’m shy” I say, as I cover myself up. When, in reality, I’m ashamed of myself. I look down and hate nearly everything.

 

Negative comments hurt more than they should, especially from someone you care about who is seeing parts of you you don’t usually share with the world, let alone allow yourself to see in the mirror. It hurts so much. It gives me anxiety for days. And a black cloud  blankets over my arms and my legs with my scars and cellulite and my fragile heart breaks into tiny shards that hurt my chest, and you can see that dark cloud it as I sit in my bed thinking about those words over and over again.

 

Note to men (and women): Never make a negative comment about your s/o after or during an intimate situation. It’s never a good idea. The whole world has their insecurities. And in those intimate moments, when we share ourselves with you, it’s just not cool. It hurts. For me, though, I admit I think it hurts more. And that’s my fault. I have my own issues and I take responsibility for them.

 

Is what I see what my father told me I am?

Blaming our parents for our current fucked-upness is common. I try not to do that. I’m an adult. But this one, this one specific aspect of me, I put on my father. Sure, he was a bipolar schizophrenic (and as I’m reading about the different personality disorders that come along with schizophrenia, I can see him fitting every single one. However, I’m not a doctor. I only lived in that fucking house of hell with him for 15 years before I moved myself out on my own to save myself from either offing me, or who knows what to protect myself from his violent and sadistic behavior. It was either going to be me or him living through it till the end. And I chose me. I chose to save my own life. I was and still am I my protector. #TrustNo1).

Back to my point- this one aspect of me I put on him because I still hear his voice in my head. Every time I look in the mirror, I hear his voice in my head. I hear, “You’re fat, you’re ugly and no one will ever love you”.

 I hear, “You’re fat, you’re ugly and no one will ever love you”.

 I hear, “You’re fat, you’re ugly and no one will ever love you”.

 I hear, “You’re fat, you’re ugly and no one will ever love you”.

I was told that every day during my formative pre-teen and early teenage years. Every single day. Sometimes multiple times a day. And if he didn’t say it out loud, he would act like I was this different lesser being. He would point me out in pictures and compare me to my lanky friends. I saw myself through those girls who still looked like children or who were naturally boney things. There is nothing wrong with natural thinness and lankiness. It just was never my body type.

And what’s funny is, the child, me, who he said that to, WAS NOT OVERWEIGHT. In fact, I was not even close to obese. I see pictures of the 10 year old me now and say, “damn, I looked adorable in those shorts and tank top!” I played every sport imaginable. Soccer and swimming and softball and basketball. I danced for 10 years. I wasn’t a bony thing. I had meat on me. Dancers legs from muscles. I was a C or D cup by 10 years old. I had American thighs by that age too. But I was NOT overweight. And saying hurtful things did not help. I did have a bit of a tummy, but it didn’t roll over the rest of me. No muffin top. I was growing and becoming a woman with a woman’s body quickly and in the midst of a growth spurt.

He claimed he did it to save me from being overweight. His sister is 400 lbs (mind you, I haven’t talked to her in a decade because she’s a terrible person, but that’s besides the point). His other sister had weight issues her whole life, however kept to a healthy weight. I saw her in passing recently and she looked healthy. Even though we have no relationship, I am glad she looked fairly well and I hope that behind her weight she is also healthy emotionally, spiritually and free from invisible illness. She is thin but got cancer… go figure. And mind you, his 400 lb sister has a severe hormonal disorder that was not properly monitored by medical professionals. It was not all her fault. She was truly ill with multiple hormonal diseases that affected, if I remember correctly, also her thyroid. Yet, to him, it was completely her fault. What’s funny is she did have someone love her for who she was her entire life. The same man looked past her weight and cared for her deeply. Why couldn’t he see that? Why was I told that because I was fat to him I would not find love like she did?

 

In fact, saying those words to me- that no one would ever love me- lead me to eating disorders. Which lead me to gaining weight. Which lead me to Weight Watchers and other diets. Which lead me to further hating myself. I was the youngest kid in Weight Watchers and I did not belong there. Getting those little stars with those old women made me feel like a piece of shit. Once again, like being an other. Eating Weight Watcher bars instead of the occasional (rare occasional) chocolate bar only made kids tease me more at the lunch room table. Was this all necessary? NO. Not then. Certainly not then.

It ends up I too have a hormonal disorder. I produce too much testostetone. I have PCOS and endometriosis, two things I touched briefly on in past blog posts. Chemo helps me lose weight, but I haven’t been on chemo in awhile. It’s harder for me to lose weight.

I think it’s sad that I look forward to going for chemo for its weight loss benefits.

 

Mirror Mirror On My Wall…

It doesn’t matter if a man or woman tells me I’m beautiful. Because when I take off my makeup and brush back my hair, I hear those words. In his voice. And my porcelain skin and brown hazel eyes mean nothing. I see nothing but those bad things. And I truly believe, deep down, he was and still is 100% correct. Some mean people say mean things. But just because they are mean things doesn’t mean they aren’t true. I think he prepared me for the harsh realities of real life. And I’m okay with it.

 

Twist is, it’s harder to find someone to love me because I don’t love myself anymore due to those words that play over and over in my head.

He said that I’m fat, ugly and no one will ever love me.

Now I am fat, what I consider ugly and can’t love myself.

 

xoxo

Drem

 


20 thoughts on “Who Is There In My Reflection?, blog post by Drem

  1. Drem, I’ve been wanting to write to see how you were doing. So glad to hear from you! Unsure if you’ve been able to follow me this week (I’ve been posting too much…cutting back!). But I’ve been doing mirror work and looking at body shame after a very hot, sexy, incredibly attractive (should be a model) man told me I was beautiful and I couldn’t take the compliment… especially from him. So I understand what you’re going through and I feel for you. Much love! May we find peace & acceptance in who we are & the inherent beauty of our bodies. XOXO, Tiffany (PS I write to heal my shit, especially by blogging, it helps me to gain more understanding than if I just vented to a journal).

    Like

    1. I’m glad to hear from you!
      I’m been fairly afk. I haven’t read any blog posts and just so you know, unless someone mentions that they posted something I tend not to read a lot. I know it’s a bad habit but I now follow too many people and everything gets lost in the jumble of things.

      If you write to heal, why haven’t you applied for me Write To Heal movement feature!?!?!?!

      I haven’t posted one in awhile. I need to do that tomorrow.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I love you too “The Reservation”. lols ❤
      You don't know me irl. I might be this horrendous monster who eats puppies and speaks fluent fancy French with my nose in the air, walking the streets in expensive handbags passed the lesser middle class. You know, those fancy French poo poo the rest of the world types.

      (Truth be told, I love croissants so want to go to France just to eat croissants).

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s bulls hit Drem. Don’t let those voices get in…my stepfather said all those things since from as far back as I can remember and one more, “I should never have been born”. Replace his voice with loving, nurturing Drem. The big Drem needs to tell the little Drem that she is ok, that she will protect her, reassure, cuddle and tell her she is very loved. Jxx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so sorry that you are feeling low. Has anyone ever said that you are ugly? When Renee Zellweger had to get fat for filming Bridgette Jones diary, she said she had more date offers than any time she thought she was attractively thin! Be confident and learn to love yourself through your own eyes, then others will love you too.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Drem I’m so glad to hear from you!!

    This story really spoke to me because I had the exact same issue growing up. My dad was the one who was so hyper critical about my weight. I was a size B cup at age 10 and he would constantly shame me for that and tell me to cover up. He would give those hurtful comments whenever I wanted to eat something I liked and called me fat when in reality I never was. I was on the Slim Fast diet and lost some of whatever little weight I had and he said that I looked better like that.

    Even throughout my adult life he still says stuff like “you should get surgery because you look inappropriate”. So I can completely relate. I never developed an eating disorder but now whenever my husband tells me I look sexy or beautiful I can’t take the compliment. I blame my dad for shaming me and ruining my healthy self image.

    I’ve been going up in weight since my depression started but I still working out like a beast and am able to maintain a healthy body. I just wish I could be happy when I look in the mirror.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I think you’re beautiful inside and out. Your transparency, the way you bare your sou. I am paralyzed, confined to a bed, missing two toes, both legs look awful, I weigh more than I’d like too, and when I go out to doc appointments, I feel uncomforable around people. I am also one to let what I see in my mirror judge me. But, I have a dear friend who encouraged me. He said the only reflection I should believe is the one that come from those who truly care about me. And I found he was right. That doesn’t mean I don’t get down. Writing releases all the crap bottled up inside of us. I am thankful that you pour out your feelings. You’ll never know how many you are helping by spilling your blood onto the pages of your blog. Bless you

    Like

    1. Nancy, your comment truly touched me. I think your friend is right and if you talk to him again, tell him I’m going to try to take that exact advice.

      I’m going to try to live by that. But it is hard. And right now, for some reason, I’m at a lower point than usual. Painful depression is peeling away at my skin exposing my bones that are flaking away in the wind. I’m feeling like a little worthless nothing. Not sure why. But, I will still try that advice. It’s beautiful, like you.

      Like

  6. I get it, and can relate…. its like their words cracked your mirror and all you see now is a broken reflection of yourself, its hard to see why one will even look at our way in love but God does, like a clean lake, stones thrown can only ripple for a moment but your true reflection with nature as your background, it is there when the true self is seen; a beautiful creation.. and whenever we forget He calls us back to the river to see ourselves the way He does, His lovely child, His beautiful creation… You are a a beautiful strong woman Drem, i can’t imagine how hard it is with all the treatment you have to take, but I know this you are a beautiful individual and the stones of harsh words, treatment, illness can never change the beauty you have… I thank God for how He is using you and how you inspire many.. Praying for you

    Liked by 1 person

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