I’m battling severe depression right now. I can’t get out of bed. It took everything in me to get my computer from my nightstand.
I can sort of pinpoint or at least get a general idea of what’s causing it. But, since some people in my personal life now read this, I can’t be as honest any more about certain things.
At the same time, my intuition might be wrong. After all, I’m generally fucked up. Though, I try to tell myself to listen to my gut. In my past, when I haven’t, I found myself in abusive relationships. I found myself sexually assaulted. I found myself in bad places.I found myself in dangerous situations.
Yesterday, Friday, wasn’t too bad a day at all. After sleeping about 18 hours (I think I have a head cold, but my aunt said I feel warm so maybe I have a fever), I went and got my nails painted (not a pedicure, just painted) a really ugly gold color. Then I got my eyebrows done and my hair blown out. I go to super cheap places. But even so, since I rarely go out, this was a really big deal and my mom was super happy.
I also stopped at a tattoo shop to book my next appointment. Amazingly, my artist was there. She’s a young woman about my age and is very sweet. Anyway, her appointment was late so I asked if she could look at my scars. I want a tattoo over them. We all know by now I’m a cutter so that’s nothing new to share. I’m not ashamed of my past. I don’t want them hidden away. I just want something positive and inspirational written over my spot. You know how Sheldon in the Big Bang Theory has a spot? I have a spot. Same spot since I was, gosh, maybe 15. I started with my eating disorders at 10. That left and I began cutting by, at the latest, 12. Back then I did wrists. My spot now is more discreet.
The artist said that it is definitely possible to tattoo over them. They’re healed and fairly flat. It may be warped, but I said we can add swirls and shit to make it work. I’m very flexible. She’s the artist. I trust her.
Her appointment didn’t end up showing. Since I’m tight on money, I didn’t do that tattoo. I just got a fill-in for my Just Survive Somehow tattoo. We also discussed doing zombie scratches underneath it- black, gray, and white shadowing. Ultra realistic. That would be by the hour and take about six hours. Probably very costly. I need to look into getting a part-time high paying job. I’m going to send out some emails. With my resume it’s not impossible. With my physical (MS) and emotional (depression/anxiety) it might be too much to handle right now.
All this was still great. My fill-in came out fantastic. Anything I put on my body, I want to be inspirational… because when I look at my body all I see are bad things and all I have are negative thoughts. So I looked at it and smiled.
Later on I went to a party with my boyfriend. I wore the most amazing outfit you could possibly imagine- I looked like a ’70s disco queen. I had black skinny dress pants with hints of rust glitter, a draping gold sequined shirt that was very slimming, and a faux fur cream, beige, and pink coat. With my now blonde and baby blue and teal ombre straight hair- it was just really a WOW moment. I have pictures of me and I’ll see if I can upload some. Everyone in my family said this is the healthiest and most beautiful I ever looked. I was on such a high. Then went for a milkshake with the boyfriend.
And then I went home. And I started coming down. And I started feeling worthless. And afraid. And I wanted to run from everything. And I didn’t want to exist anymore. And I was done. If I had the strength to get out of bed, I don’t know what I would have done. I was having very negative thoughts and didn’t care if I acted upon them.
I can’t keep dealing with these swings. They torture me. I can’t escape from myself.
Featured image found on Google Images. No artist listed. Edited in Fotor.
Coat image from Macys.com.
Seesaw image found on Google Images. No artist listed. Edited in Fotor.