Great Day & Painful Night- Living W/ The Ups and Downs (blog post)

I’m battling severe depression right now. I can’t get out of bed. It took everything in me to get my computer from my nightstand.

 

I can sort of pinpoint or at least get a general idea of what’s causing it. But, since some people in my personal life now read this, I can’t be as honest any more about certain things.

 

At the same time, my intuition might be wrong. After all, I’m generally fucked up. Though, I try to tell myself to listen to my gut. In my past, when I haven’t, I found myself in abusive relationships. I found myself sexually assaulted. I found myself in bad places.I found myself in dangerous situations.

 

Yesterday, Friday, wasn’t too bad a day at all. After sleeping about 18 hours (I think I have a head cold, but my aunt said I feel warm so maybe I have a fever), I went and got my nails painted (not a pedicure, just painted) a really ugly gold color. Then I got my eyebrows done and my hair blown out. I go to super cheap places. But even so, since I rarely go out, this was a really big deal and my mom was super happy.

 

I also stopped at a tattoo shop to book my next appointment. Amazingly, my artist was there. She’s a young woman about my age and is very sweet. Anyway, her appointment was late so I asked if she could look at my scars. I want a tattoo over them. We all know by now I’m a cutter so that’s nothing new to share. I’m not ashamed of my past. I don’t want them hidden away. I just want something positive and inspirational written over my spot. You know how Sheldon in the Big Bang Theory has a spot? I have a spot. Same spot since I was, gosh, maybe 15. I started with my eating disorders at 10. That left and I began cutting by, at the latest, 12. Back then I did wrists. My spot now is more discreet.

 

The artist said that it is definitely possible to tattoo over them. They’re healed and fairly flat. It may be warped, but I said we can add swirls and shit to make it work. I’m very flexible. She’s the artist. I trust her.

 

Her appointment didn’t end up showing. Since I’m tight on money, I didn’t do that tattoo. I just got a fill-in for my Just Survive Somehow tattoo. We also discussed doing zombie scratches underneath it- black, gray, and white shadowing. Ultra realistic.  That would be  by the hour and take about six hours. Probably very costly. I need to look into getting a part-time high paying job. I’m going to send out some emails. With my resume it’s not impossible. With my physical (MS) and emotional (depression/anxiety) it might be too much to handle right now.

 

All this was still great. My fill-in came out fantastic.  Anything I put on my body, I want to be inspirational… because when I look at my body all I see are bad things and all I have are negative thoughts. So I looked at it and smiled.

 

furcoat
My coat of the century. That is a model- NOT me.

Later on I went to a party with my boyfriend. I wore the most amazing outfit you could possibly imagine- I looked like a ’70s disco queen. I had black skinny dress pants with hints of rust glitter, a draping gold sequined shirt that was very slimming, and a faux fur cream, beige, and pink coat. With my now blonde and baby blue and teal ombre straight hair- it was just really a WOW moment. I have pictures of me and I’ll see if I can upload some. Everyone in my family said this is the healthiest and most beautiful I ever looked. I was on such a high. Then went for a milkshake with the boyfriend.

 

 

And then I went home. And I started coming down. And I started feeling worthless. And afraid. And I wanted to run from everything. And I didn’t want to exist anymore. And I was done. If I had the strength to get out of bed, I don’t know what I would have done. I was having very negative thoughts and didn’t care if I acted upon them.

I can’t keep dealing with these swings. They torture me. I can’t escape from myself.

seesaw

 

 

xoxo

Drem

 


 

Featured image found on Google Images. No artist listed. Edited in Fotor.

Coat image from Macys.com.

Seesaw image found on Google Images. No artist listed. Edited in Fotor.


14 thoughts on “Great Day & Painful Night- Living W/ The Ups and Downs (blog post)

  1. Maybe it’s because you have a brand new boyfriend that she the trigger? And knowing what I am dealing with right here, right now…I hope I’m not the one. If I am I am sorry. I’m being selfish talking to you about my stuff. I was in your spot a few days ago as you will recall, and I purged online in my blogs but something happened. I somehow found another voice out of my abyss and now I’m writing a novella in third person! I’m telling my story within a story, embellishing real life characters within a fictional story, semi non – fiction if you know what I mean…it’s a cycle Drem. You know it will pass, but it also sounds like getting outside and in the world works for you. Maybe do it more… Jx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. you know letting your feelings out is the best remedy and talking to strangers strangely helps a lot. so I say u delete your relatives from wordpress so we can know and help your story 🙂 ur v brave. keep it up 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s not even that. It’s that they are on my fb and I occasionally share my poetry on there. I deleted everyone from my fb and stopped sharing my poetry on there anyway just incase. I hope they forget Drem exists, but I doubt it.

      Like

    1. I need to get more recent ones. If you click on About Drem on my main page-
      http://www.artofdrem.com/about
      on the bottom there on the right is me. But it was actually several shades of blue. It’s just hard to notice in that lighting. In person if you run your hands through it you would be like OMG U HAVE SO MANY DIFFERENT COLOR BLUES IN UR HEAD OMG WTF. It’s hard to catch on a phone camera. Now it’s faded. The purple is out and is back to blonde. My darker blue is now aqua and now I have baby blue and some teal. It’s not as in your face, but everyone still is like- u have blue hair. I know I have blue hair. No fucking shit.

      I was only supposed to have it for like 3 weeks. I got it in October. It’s almost February. Before it only lasted 3 weeks. I think the colorist had it in for me.

      Sorry. Ranting. Can’t sleep.

      Hi, I’m Drem btw. Nice to meet you!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. haha hey sorry for the late reply.. rarely log in to wordpress.. more of a pinterest girl 😛 and noo its fine and nice to meet you too// im Savi and im from Sri Lanka!!

        Liked by 1 person

Share Your Thoughts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s