My Pulse is the Seconds on the Clock That is My Life, a blog post by Drem

Let me remind you, this is a Judgement Free Zone.


 

I’ve been feeling for awhile now that when I wake up, no matter how many positives I have, I’m just waiting to die.

Everyone dies. But since having to write up my living will a few ago… due to my illness… I feel like I’m ticking by. The TV infomercials turn into a mumble in the background. My mother’s voice turns into a mumble in the background.

My pulse is the seconds on the clock that is my life.

I take what I take to get by. Medicine with side affects. My mom scolded me on New Years for the mini sexual revolution I had this past year on reflection of my behavior, even though it affected her in no way whatsoever and by comparison on what I could have done… Jesus, she doesn’t know how good she has it. I’m not a fucking drug addict. I pay my rent. My sex life is my sex life. I’m old. I feel old. I feel really old.

When I was little, like in grade school, my nickname was the Old Lady at the physical therapy office. Cause my body- my joints and my ligaments and muscles and discs, are all fucked up. I’ve felt old for so long. And I’ve been waiting for so long to end.

I think I’ve realized I’m alive. But most of the time, even when I technically am living, I don’t feel like I am. I feel fake. Distant. And patiently waiting for the end.

Round and round I go.

It’s been getting a harder to post. I hope this passes. Thanks for the support.

 

xoxo

Drem

 


Featured image Clock Work is by Brittany Perez. To purchase:

〈 Fine Art America

 


30 thoughts on “My Pulse is the Seconds on the Clock That is My Life, a blog post by Drem

  1. I hear you Drem. I think most people with chronic pain, feel old. I know I do, and my man. My pain is mostly in my mind, but my body is catching up. My body has hurt for as long as I remember. Scoliosis, Fybromyalgia, Osteopenia (the one before osteoarthritis and osteoporosis), oh and Chronic fatigue are all terms I am familiar with but I’m just aging really. It’s just age. I live for the day it all stops. Death doesn’t phase me…bring it on! I feel like a burden. I consider selling everything up and living quietly away from everyone, off the grid, on my own. Maybe one day. Jx

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  2. But I could put a solar powered thingy on my roof connected to a dozen batteries… but I don’t watch TV. I read, write, garden, cry, sleep – repeat. I try not to leave the house and I’m developing a phobia about talking on the phone…so, I may as well be alone, maybe. Jx

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    1. i watch a lot of science fiction and got the opportunity to test pilots so i’ve been watching current television actually to see how the shows have progressed. Some of the pilots sucked but got better as the episodes went on. Then there is always Keeping Up W/ The Kardashians. They are SO HARD to keep up with…

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      1. The Kardashians have been beamed up by Scotty…they are definatly SciFi! I like Vamp Diaries, Originals, Teen Wolf, Spooky Brothers (Supernatural)…oh, the list goes on…

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      1. I had a kitten when I was a kid…Tiger. My parents told me it had ran away, but it had died…I went up and down the street for a week asking ” mister, have you seen a ginger cat?” 😦

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      2. I think it affected me. I’ve never had a pet as an adult…except a gold fish, but that was given to me. Who gives goldfish as a present, huh!?

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      3. i don’t know. a person who wants u to experience death sooner rather than later. they go like a candle in the wind… or, rather, a splash against the shore.

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