His Name Out Loud Hurts, a poem by Drem

I put this one together the other night. Let’s see how it goes. Let me know if you find it interesting!

 

His Name Out Loud Hurts, a poem by Drem (c)

December 28, 2015

“Bang, bang.

I called you by his name

by mistake.

Maybe I need to raise my meds.

Maybe it’s from lack of sleep.

Maybe it’s the pills I take

to be me.

Still, shit, I said it.

And before I knew it,

while I was in my kitchen

next to the counter

eating cereal

and cookie dough

to comfort an artificial craving

from narcotics,

I broke out in tears

because of those memories

that came back faster than I could bare.

I keep them locked behind

walls several feet

deep

of solid

concrete.

How one memory slipped through

an invisible crack,

I don’t know.

Maybe it’s the meds,

maybe it’s the sleep,

maybe it’s the pills that I take

to be me.

But in any case,

I was suddenly back.

From one moment

from one word

things were brought towards,

to the front,

of my consciousness.

Years and years

worth of hardship

I had hidden away already

I could see

with my eyes wide open-

I saw.

Cookie dough still on spoon,

I relived him.

I felt his skin, him.

I almost smelled him,

before I hit stop and screamed.

It was disgusting.

I ran upstairs.

Popped some.

Lit some incense.

Popped some.

Had bad thoughts.

Contemplated acting.

Waited for what I took to run through

the rivers and streams

of my blood.

Took so long.

Deep breath

now

of frankincense.

One word, and fuck- I said it.

I have no heart

from him.

I amen’t nice no more.

But if I did have one of those

it would have sunk

even further down below-

that heart,

back behind

the knots of vines,

thorned.

And branches,

naked, black.

I felt, just, more of a shock.

 I saw him again.

In my fuckin’ kitchen

of all damn places.”

Photo- Google Images. Uncredited. I further edited it. If it belongs to you, let me know and I will credit you or remove it. Thank you.


10 thoughts on “His Name Out Loud Hurts, a poem by Drem

  1. Initially I thought you said an ex lovers name to a new flame by mistake…then I realized. It’s a similar process. Flashbacks are miniature re-runs of whatever stuck in the first place. If it’s coming out, maybe it’s because your psyche can handle it? It’s the right time. Otherwise it would still be dead, buried and denied… I’m thinking I would like to collaborate with you in some way but it’s embryonic. ..I’ll think for a bit and get back to you. Jx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This touches a raw nerve for me because there are names of people I’d like to forget too. Hell, I’d like to wipe them out of my mind altogether. ( Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was all about that. ) It kind of makes me think about how nothing is ever truly fully resolved… at least not as far as our emotions are concerned. I wish they would be. I don’t like when things come back to make me feel the hurt all over again.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. A very powerful piece. Names hold power. That’s why the Ancient Egyptians always depicted an enclosed circle of rope around written names, the cartouche. That’s why we have such classic stories about names, such as “Rumpelstiltskin”. In most cases, the name is obscured to protect the person named. But in the case of those of us who have been abused, we hide the abuser’s name to keep their evil contained. But sometimes there is a small part of our psyche that trips over that name and summons them. We unknowingly speak out, “Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!” and then all hell breaks loose inside of us. It takes a lot of effort to rein that demon back in.

    Liked by 2 people

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