I couldn’t sleep well last night. I was in a lot of pain. I had so much anxiety.
I forced myself up today at around noon. I had just enough time to each some rice before going for a nap with my cat. That nap lasted till 7PM. My cat was very happy sleeping that long, snuggled warm with my under the covers.
I had all these terrible dreams both last night today. My arms and legs are sore and there are dents in my walls. I dreamed I was having to defend myself against men who attacked me in my past. I dreamed I was in church and killed one of them and knew I was going to hell. I dreamed my mom died and I was thus homeless because I can’t cover the rent alone. I dreamed I was stuck trying to escape the neighborhood I used to live in before I moved out by my own decision at 15 to escape the man I used to live with.
From screaming and punching the wall in my sleep so much I had to wake up and take a pain killer. I’m very achy and bruised.
Is it the holiday stress?
Could be. My grandma, who is my life, is still in the nursing home which breaks my heart. Money is tight. Like, super tight. I couldn’t buy individual little gifts like I did in the past.
My Christmas was hijacked by someone whose having a wedding the day after Christmas. (Nice, right!?!?! Thoughtful!) So I can not do anything traditional with family. So, there are currently no Christmas day celebrations. Good thing some of my friends are stopping by or it would be really pathetic. I’ll probably go see grandma again too. Chinese restaurants are open so I’ll order that. Chinese food on Christmas day. Pathetic.
Maybe not having a traditional Christmas is actually a good thing because holidays, just in general really, stress me the fuck out. I’m reminded of bad childhood shit. And I have anxiety to begin with. And depression to begin with. And, yeah. THERE’S MORE!
Dealing With My Multiple Sclerosis
I’m sick with my MS. My brain is inflamed. Brain inflammation can cause increased anxiety, depression, and sleepiness.
Add It Together And You Get…
Someone screaming and thrashing out her dreams having a fairly sad Christmas who is sleepy and in pain all the time.