This is 4-5 hours late. I woke up with morning anxiety. Had to deal with that.
I wake up. In my room. Under the covers. Kicked off my socks while I was sleeping. Spa music on in the background. Everything is normal.
Then, I open my eyes.
Then, a light of painful darkness runs down my whole body. I’m flooded with depression and anxiety. It’s painful.
It’s fucking painful.
It’s all in me and I can’t get out.
I lay there. I close my eyes trying to escape. It doesn’t work. I still feel it.
I would go for an “emergency” low dose of a benzoid. But, my body still lays still in so much pain. Even now, hours later, I feel it.
I’m not fucking around here. I’m being honest.
Emotions Can Cause Physical Pain
I know a lot about physical pain. Read one of my poems. I live in chronic pain from a diagnosed incurable illness. Chemo and narcotics are my friends. *looks over to medicine bag* Sup, cuties? (-;
But, a lot of people don’t understand that depression and anxiety, whether caused by one or several traumatic events (PTSD, anyone?), an illness, or chemical imbalance, etc. can manifest itself out of the mind into the rest of the body.
I realize my muscles get really tense. I try to quiet them. They won’t.
There’s a tightness in my chest.
There’s an usual ache in my arms and in my legs. A weakness.
My stomach hurts a little.
I just woke up. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
I spoke to my doctor and he said something like– when you wake up you’re flooded with a bunch of signals and hormones. And your brain, special girl, can’t manage them.
Is this bullshit? I don’t know. But he’s right about one thing. Something is going on that I can’t manage when I wake up and for no apparent reason I’m thrown into the depths of painful anxiety and depression right in my own safe bed.