Literal- Chronic Pain & Pills, a poem by Drem

This was at such a bad time in my life. Makes me sick just thinking about it. Nearly any time is better than that time. The people. The control. I think this is the last one of the night. I’m going to go.

Literal- Chronic Pain & Pills, a poem by Drem

April 24, 2015

“Every night I hear the gate

grate against

the concrete

and the chains hit

each other

in the dark

causing sparks

I can see

from my bedroom

windowpane.

I see blue

lights

dancing in the dark

doing things I can’t do.

I’m not metal.

I’m not light.

I’m in this body

I don’t like.

I’ve never liked it.

Ever.

Nothing brings my heart

above the water.

I’ve been drowning for two years now.

I’ve been counting.

It feels like forever.

I guess I’m young

so two years feels like longer.

But I feel old.

You wouldn’t understand.

I know.

My body is literally decaying.

Bits of it in my brain

are dying.

And now my spine, too.

I don’t function right

from it.

I’m broken

from it.

I can’t dance like light,

or grate against the concrete.

My feet don’t walk right.

I take my poisons now.

Chemo, benzoids, and narcotics.

Ibuprofen.

Fuck my kidneys!

I’m in pain

and don’t want to be in me.

I didn’t pick

this body

or the boy

who says he loves me.

Things just kind of happened.

And now I’m stuck in here.

Every night I take

what I take,

I take to take

to get through the pain

and to numb my mind

just enough

to forget

all the stuff

that hurts me.

Mourn the things

and life

I thought I might have.

Mourn alone.

It’s lonely.

Truthfully, it’s lonely.

But things just kind of happened

and now I’m stuck in here.

There never is a tomorrow

when pain occupies every

ounce of you.

All there is is now.

And now is lonely, and hurts.

So I take what I take to take

away the edge,

wedge away the sword

that slices my insides.

The sword that makes me see bad things

in its reflection

even when my eyes are closed.

Can you be me for awhile?

No, you can’t.

So give me more

so I forget

what me feels like

and I can forget

who I am.”


8 thoughts on “Literal- Chronic Pain & Pills, a poem by Drem

  1. This poem does two things . One, it puts me in an emotional state that makes me what to hug and make sure you are okay. Secondly, it stands as a reminder of how strong you are, even if at times you don’t see it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s terrible to have to be strong in the face of such dehumanising pain because surely it must make you wonder what you’re striving for. More pain? The way you describe this is deeply affecting. Thank you for the insight, Drem.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I live in pain. Tomorrow is pain. So yes, I guess I live for more pain. When I think about it, that is pretty depressing! No wonder my typical subject matter is quite sad!
      Thank you for your kind words, Mr. Single.

      Liked by 1 person

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