To my Subscribers and my New Friends- Thank You For Listening During my Hardest Times with Chronic and Emotional Pain, a blog post by Drem

Perhaps I’m being too open. But it’s too late. I’m ready to ramble!

It’s 8AM. I have not slept. My whole body hurts so bad. Every inch of me. Swollen and achy and inflamed and burning and stiff with my fingers locked in awkward positions as I type. In other places uncontrollable spasms twitch to the tick of an invisible clock.  I’m stuck in me. I can’t get out. Help is not coming. No pill or man can lift me up. I look for God. I still look for God.

I’m under so much stress with the holidays. Memories. They fill me. My whole self is consumed by them.  I cry more than I smile. I cry now. I take more medicine. It doesn’t help. Nothing helps. My chronic physical illness is only intensified by my constant anxiety and depression. My constant anxiety and depression intensifies my physical pain caused by my illness. Can you see my vicious cycle?

I just want to go to Disney World, and I can’t. Disney makes everything better. Trust me. When I was little and on chemo I would go all the time. I’d be a princess for a little while. It’s a magical place where I’d forget the pain I was in. No one hurt me there, either.

I had an argument with my mother. It didn’t help things at all. She doesn’t understand what depression is and what anxiety is. She mentioned Disney. As if. I’ve tried to explain so many times. I read her my poetry. We go to therapy. It’s to no avail. It all really started when she was talking, out of nowhere,  about a topic that triggers my PTSD (and she knows this topic brings back bad thoughts). All the stuff I bottle up came pouring out. I get so angry. I get out of control. At times like this  I hate her so much for blaming me for things that I was a victim of.  She said it was by accident. I believe her. Even so, it hurts. I hate that she suggested it was my fault I was abused by a man.. It wasn’t my fault. I know it wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my fault. He was physically stronger than me, and older. It wasn’t my fault. I tell myself that, over and over, even though I still feel a shame that’s deeper than my physical pain, my depression, and anxiety. The shame intensifies my pain, depression, and anxiety. Can you see my vicious cycle?

I refuse to go for any more brain scans or spine scans or optic nerve evaluations. I don’t want to know how my body is failing me.  I don’t want any more chemotherapy. Not this Christmas. Christmas is bad enough. And the treatment is not helping. Or at least, not enough for me. After I go, I feel so sick. I hate you, body! I hate how you trapped me in you. Even in my dreams I feel pain. I dream bad things. My days haunt me when my eyes are closed and the lights are off.

The only good has been you as of late, my new artist friends and subscribers. My work has garnered nearly 500 views in a little over a week. It’s more than I could have ever dreamed. Every comment, every email, every “like”, makes me feel a little less alone and a little more connected… even though I never met any of you. My words have met you. And I am my words. I am my poetry. There is no facade. If anything, I’m too honest and often fear judgement. Some people out there understand me. And for that, I feel I still hold a value. For that I still feel like a person who contributes to society. I’m not just a young woman dependent on modern medicine. I have thought and I connect with strangers literally all over the world in countries I’ve never been to. Bangladesh, Thailand, Finland, Ghana, and more. My words, me, have met people in places I could never ever travel due to my physical limitations.

Thank you ever so much for making me feel less alone. Thank you. 

Never forget to comment so I know you’re there.

 

xoxo

Drem

 


18 thoughts on “To my Subscribers and my New Friends- Thank You For Listening During my Hardest Times with Chronic and Emotional Pain, a blog post by Drem

    1. It’s so strange, BJ (can I call you BJ?) that even though I push them away, (which I definitely do because it hurts too much to socialize and nobody understands what my pain is like. It’s either they think I’m crazy, a loser, or purposely not participating in life), a part of me wants them to start caring I exist? To call, asking how I feel?

      Thank you for listening.

      xoxo
      Drem

      Like

      1. You may call me Bj, it has taken me many years to socialise, and it is painful. To understand ones pain and hurt is traumatic. At first when I was going through my bucket loads, everyone was saying we’ve been there and done that, we know, but they did not know. They did not walk in my shoes and nobody walks in your shoes. Keep writing

        Liked by 1 person

  1. This read like a prose poem.
    I remember being that person to push people away because of certain memories that some people in my life still decide it is a good idea to bring up.

    And I know these times are hard for you but i am here for you and I do care that you exist. I may not show it the way I should but I do care.

    Like

  2. I see your vicious cycle, and I wish it was little more than a toy train track. Then all I’d have to do is put a voodoo doll of your illness on the track and let you run over it. Silly little fantasy, I know. 🙂

    Seriously though, I see you. You are alone but you’re also kind of not. It can be so hard to feel connected with the rest of humanity. It’s how I feel a lot of the time too. Do keep writing and I’ll keep reading.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s a great idea! I’d do it! I also like trains so this really works for me. If only that were possible.

      Thank you for listening. Thank you for seeing my words, by extension seeing me. I’m glad you connect with my work. It means a lot. I probably have said that before. But, it’s true.

      Like

      1. You can say it as often as you like or as little as you like, Drem. I’m glad I stumbled across your site. Your words have weight. Meaning. Unless some awful fate befalls me like… I don’t know, unicorns invading my home and skinning me alive and barbecuing me on their horns then I’m here to stay! (What? It totally could happen, you know. In an alternate pocket reality somewhere. Maybe.)

        Like

      2. Lol. I don’t mind the company at all! I’m secretly a science fiction geek so, I the unicorn thing is probably going to happen to you sometime within the next week. I’m sorry to inform you of such a fate. At least it’s not likely going to happen in this ‘verse.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I never knew how much you been through. and i could not imanging. But i can say your not alone in this struggle. You have people around you that care. I’m glad to have met you, and enjoy your company and everyone eles.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Also, I think you’re the first RL friend who has been on my blog besides the first Nick. So, I feel a little naked. Lol.
      In any case, if you find something interesting in the future do let me know.

      xoxo
      Drem

      Like

  4. Drem I know it is difficult. People will blame you for mistakes you didn’t do. They will shout at you for your faults but remember you are loved not by just your close ones but those of us so far from you. Im in Sri Lanka. Where do you live?

    Like

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