Gagged Marriage, a poem by Drem

7_rene_milot_illustration_art_painting_woman_lucia_ammermoor_opera_poster
By Rene Milot: renemilot.wordpress.com

Flowers and shackles. I’m a woman. My eggs are going to die. I’m on a clock. I need to get married. I’m a woman. I’ve had intimate relations. I need to get married. I’m a woman. I need to get love when I’m still young and beautiful. I need to get married.

Anyone else tired of this? I’m not even in my 30s yet.

 

 

 

Gagged Marriage, a poem by Drem

Written May 9, 2015

“Hands bound around behind my back.

Mouth gagged.

Sell me.

Sell me!

Being sold to the highest bidder-

this is exciting, I might be getting married!

…. and nobody bids.

This is why I don’t leave.

This is why I settle

and acknowledge the signs,

his signs,

but put them aside.

I can’t do any better.

He even said so, my partner.

Said I’m a sick rollercoaster,

stuck in bed most days,

getting weaker

and more ugly,

in so many words.

I wasn’t beautiful to start with,

that, though, my father told me.

I wasn’t thin and strong.

But I was smart.

And, then I lost that in the earthquake

of brain degeneration.

I’m a sick rollercoaster,

popping pills since junior high

to get through life

to function.

To walk and talk.

But i can’t talk.

I’m gagged.

I internalize everything.

Just wrap me up,

toss me in the wet cement,

up to my neck.

Crush my insides

so I go.

and I won’t cry.

I know I’m worthless, anyway.

Waste of space and air I need to breathe.

Genetics were never on my side.

Poisons keep me alive

which makes no sense to me.

Logic-

fuck logic!

This is modern medicine i’m talkin’ here.

Chemotherapy!

I look past so much.

I resent so much.

I hate so much,

and there’s nothing i can do about it.

Loneliness is a bitch

and I’m an angry motherfucker.

Nobody is coming to save me.

I’m not a princess.

And nobody bought me.

I’m going blind, and in pain and slowly fading away.

Slowly,

painfully,

slowly,

and painfully

with each new necessary treatment.

Each new necessary prescription.

Last will and testament, proxies.

I’m alone

and I take it.

Settling with someone

who isn’t here when I need a hand to hold.

Who can’t grasp my suffering.

He puts up with me.

He puts up with me.

That’s a lot.

So he can use me.

And abuse me.

And hurt me.

And control every aspect of my life.

Shut me out from the world,

So it’s all really dark,

all everything’s gone,

except for him.

But he even becomes

a dark sort of light.

Love is never coming, my dear.

But maybe

someday

someone will know me,

and see me,

and not hate me,

and hold my hand.”


10 thoughts on “Gagged Marriage, a poem by Drem

    1. Thank you. It took a lot to write. A lot of vulnerability. Exploring my place and what my gender means in the world. Trying to figure out why I was in the relationship I was in.
      I’m glad you feel that way. I always try to aim for interesting. “Powerful” is so much more than I dream of.

      xoxo
      Drem

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Nicole, you know I was jus waking up from my nap and had a terrible dream but then I read your comment. Going to go back to sleep knowing my working touched someone, and that’s the best feeling in the world.

      xoxo
      Drem

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, I did! It turned into an 8 hour nap lol. And more work is always being posted. I try about three a day. There will never be a short supply. ❤ I hope you find another one of my pieces interesting (:

      Liked by 1 person

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