I’m moving forward from my past. I don’t miss my past at all. And that’s all that matters… I have faith in myself.
The following is a poem I hold dear and I was criticized by my poetry advisor that this poem is too simple. I think sometimes expressing complex emotions in the most simplest of terms in a feat in itself.
When I was receiving my highest award for my poetry way back when, the speaker said the hardest thing for young people to do is drown out the noise of the whole world, find who you are in yourself, and put it to paper. Perhaps I’m being cocky. But, I defended my work based on that. I drowned out my word. I expressed what I needed to express. I put myself to paper. This is who I am.
And this story, unlike 99% of my work, shows I have faith in myself. I’m a survivor. And you know what? The fact that I continue to wake up each day no matter how much pain I’m in from my chemo, I get UP. I go ON.
Can’t Hold My Hand, a poem by Drem
May 17, 2015
“I’m not angry at him.
My brain’s inability to remember
from this MS multiple sclerosis
finally is working in my favor, finally
a plus for having a dying zombie brain!
Still, I’m running.
I’m running so fast from everything
that hurt me,
that still remains fragmented in my memory
But nobody’s at the finish line waiting.
The unrequited love I’m living now post-breakup
reminds me of high school.
I’m 23 and living it all over again.
I’m 23 and don’t know who I am.
What path my bare feet can walk on, can handle—
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I think these toxic pills are my only real friends.
But they can’t hold my hand.
Nobody’s around to.
And this loneliness is killing me.
I go aimlessly around hoping I stumble onto my own fate
and the meaning of the whole universe
and who I’m meant to be.
this loneliness is killing me.
Not making my angry,
just stabbing my insides
and making my eyes dull
and now I stare blankly
into nothing but air.
It hurts me
Hurts more than what I black out,
what I black out that he did to me.
All those months of suffering
under his suffocating mouth
But you need to realize something.
I don’t, at all, miss him.
I’m moving so fast, thank God, forward.
I’m moving forward.
But to no one
Nothing and no one wants me.
This loneliness is killing me.
This is the price I guess
I must pay for my freedom.
Hard to make at my age.
I’m afraid of the dark, you know.
So sleep next to me please,
if you’re listening.
I’m afraid to die alone,
so be next to me, please, when the time comes,
if you’re listening.
Love me as much as you can.
Please just see me.
Because I can’t see myself sometimes anymore really.
Tell me I’m beautiful
hold my hand
and tell me who I am.
Close the void that’s been building for months
before it ended.
A black hole of loneliness
consumes every inch and builds more and more
upon my body
sucking in any hopes I have.
But know, I don’t miss him
Know I’m moving forward
against all odds.
And I’m trying to build support
and make friends
and fall in love
with someone who deserves all I have to give.
In the mean time,
the loneliness is my other best friend…
but it too can’t hold my hand.”